Are You Fixed or Growing ? It’s A Mindset Thing!

Dear Reader,

I just read this wonderful blog entry on the topic of the mindset and had to share it! 😊


You have probably heard the quote “Whether you think you can or can’t you are right.” This quote is typically used to convey the power of our thoughts and mindsets to influence the trajectory of our lives. And though we all have different mindsets, these mindsets determine how we deal with challenges, respond to stress, our personal and professional relationships and the level of achievements and personal success we attain. Our mindsets shape our perspectives on everything in the world around us- from money, health, work, play, to how we deal with adversity. Our mindsetsdetermine our behaviors and responses.

Understanding Mindsets

So, what is a mindset? A mindset can be defined as our way of thinking, what we believe, expect and the lens through which we see the world. According to psychologist Carol Dweck, there are two mindsets: the growth and fixed mindset.“In a fixed mindset, people believe their…

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The Controller-Vacillator Relationship

Dear Reader,

I know it’s been a while since I had written about the vacillator. Although I haven’t been writing about the vacillator, my stats show how this topic is the most popular visit at my blog. Since it is a popular topic, I thought my readers would benefit from me revisiting this topic every once in a while.

I have been meaning to write about the controller-vacillator relationship for a while. What encouraged me to take some time to write about it was a conversation I had with a client. Without sharing about the client’s situation for obvious reasons (to protect confidentiality), I do want to say it is an interesting dynamic. Before writing about the dynamic, it would be helpful to get to know the controller imprint (to read about the vacillator imprint, click here).

According to Yerkovich & Yerkovich (2008), the controller imprint is the result of serious problems in a child’s home. It may be the person was raised in a chaotic environment; disregarded as a child or the parent(s)/caregiver(s) saw the child too overwhelming to deal with (Yerkovich & Yerkovich, 2008). According to Yerkovich & Yerkovich (2008), the parent(s)/caregiver(s) may have struggled with mental illnesses, numerous addictions, or are absent all together. As a result, the child sees relationships as dangerous and destructing instead of safe and nurturing (Yerkovich & Yerkovich, 2008).

The child may express outrage or withdraws from the parent(s)/caregiver(s) (Yerkovich & Yerkovich, 2008). The parent(s)/caregiver(s) responds to this child with abuse or neglect and, instead of aiding to child to relieve the child’s stress, the parent(s)/caregiver(s) is a source of stress for the child (Yerkovich & Yerkovich, 2008). The child reacts to the behavior of the parent(s)/caregiver with confusion which leads to anxiety, anger, and fear and, to reduce anxiety, the child becomes a controller and the victim (i.e. parent/caregiver to a significant other) fearfully yields to keep peace (Yerkovich & Yerkovich, 2008).

When a vacillator-vacillator, controller-vacillator, or controller-controller couple meets, “there is often an immediate strong and passionate connection” (Yerkovich & Yerkovich, 2008, p. 183). Although the chemistry seems to be just right and there is intense good feelings to relief past pain, the relationship is only good as long as the idealization phase last (Yerkovich & Yerkovich, 2008). Once this phase is over, “it goes downhill with the same intensity” and it is like a “wild roller-coaster ride” with “intense fights followed by passionate reunions” (Yerkovich & Yerkovich, 2008, p. 183).

Why Intense Fights

Those that grew up in homes that were intense and/or full of anxiety, sees this as normal (Yerkovich & Yerkovich, 2008). Living in such chaos is a breathing ground for the lack of able to connect on a healthy level as well as physical and mental disabilities (i.e. learning difficulties, learning disabilities, unbalance brain chemistry) [Yerkovich & Yerkovich, 2008]. When such children become adults, they may have a real need for intensity. For example, they may feel agitated whenever it is peaceful and, therefore, creates chaos by provoking others into angry, intense, or seductive interchanges (Yerkovich & Yerkovich, 2008). Why is this? Since they have become familiar with the adrenaline rush, see this as normal, creating chaos allows them to feel this familiar rush once again (Yerkovich & Yerkovich, 2008).

The need to connect with others is what makes us human. Unfortunately, when one sees chaos as normal, this distorts the belief in the ideal process of how to connect. According to Yerkovich & Yerkovich (2008), Those that grew up in an environment of chaos learn that when two people are fighting, they are connecting. And, for some individuals, this is the only kind of connection they have ever known (Yerkovich & Yerkovich, 2008).

The Weapon of Ignoring

When the controller ignores their significant other for a long period of time (which, according to Dr. Wright [2015], is a type of nonverbal abuse), this can trigger the following in the vacillator (Yerkovich & Yerkovich, 2008):

  • Tries to read the mood of the significant other
  • Left to wait for connection; governed by the significant other’s mood than the vacillator’s need
  • Confused and hypervigilant in trying to predict and control the relationship
  • Angry and anxious at having to wait

If the controller continues to use the weapon of ignoring the vacillator for a long period of time (due to economic hardship, desperation, depression, insecurity, jealousy, fear of abandonment, emotional immaturity, and/or poor anger management skills [Dr. Wright, 2015]), the vacillator may start to look somewhere else for an intense and consistent connection (Yerkovich & Yerkovich, 2008).

I could write more on the controller-vacillator relationship but I will stop here because this entry is getting too long. To learn more about the different love style imprints and/or relationships, please consider either reading the book How We Love by Milan and Kay Yerkovich or visit the website that is noted underneath the references below. Whatever you do, please know that there is hope. There is room for understanding and growth. Sometimes, the growth can be together (in a relationship) or it needs to be done separately (i.e. the other person doesn’t want to grow or becomes too violent that one has to separate from that individual). If you are in a crisis situation (i.e. domestic violence), please reach out for help (ex: Domestic Violence Support).


Yerkovich, M. & Yerkovich, K (2008). How we love. Colorado Springs, CO: Waterbrook Press.

Dr. H. Jean Wright (2015). Find strength in your struggle. Place of publication not identified: XULON Press.


Coping Statements

Dear Reader,

Life is hard but can be made easier by using coping statements. The following information (and photo) is from a post Mental Health America has shared through various social media platforms:

“Coping statements are sentences that remind you that different, healthier ways of thinking are possible. Repeating them can help you get through difficult moments – you can focus on just one or make a long list of your own.

“If it helps, write your coping statements on Post-It notes and put them in places where you will see them multiple times a day, or set an alarm/create an event on your phone with a coping statement to pop up with a reminder every now and again.”

Change Begins With You!

Dear Reader,

I had attempted to post the words “Change begins with you” on Instagram last night but since there was an update, I couldn’t find how to get my radiant color background to show. So, after playing around with other apps this morning, I was able to post the following on Instagram:

Many times, people often look for change. It may be in relationships, politics, a spiritual group, family, or even at school or work. Since we don’t have the power to change others (they way they think, feel, or act), it would be feasible to look into the one thing we can change: ourselves. We should all ask ourselves similar questions: what skills am I lacking, what false goggles am I’m using (when it comes to viewing life, circumstances, situations, etc.), what position am I in that I may be able to create change, and do I always have to feel like I am so right that I cannot accept any other type of idea(s)?

Instagram: @melaniehubbard916

I also want to encourage looking in the possibility one may be a codependent. Looking into this possibility can be life-changing for those that are often tired or irritated more than others. It may have the possibility to gain your life back. A book on this topic is called Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It’s a good read!

The Awesome Power Of Disconfirmation

Hello Reader,

For the last several blog entries, I have been writing about Dr. Orman’s alternative method of mastering stress. The following is the list of his three steps:

  1. Identify each problem specifically (to read this blog entry, click here)
  2. Identify the main causes of each problem (to read this blog entry, click here)
  3. Deal with the cause effectively until the problem lessens or completely goes away (to read this blog entry, click here)

The following are my notes and thoughts from chapter 65 of Battling the Big Three: Overcoming Stress, Anxiety and Low Self-Esteem audiobook. It’s a continuation of what I had written for step three: deal with the cause effectively until the problem lessens or completely goes away. Within this blog entry, I ended with the concept of one needing to deal with another opponent: failing to admit one may be wrong (Doc Orman & CloudLibrary, 2017). And this is where I will start writing about this idea.

Dr. Orman mentioned that a lot of people talk about personal empowerment, self improvement, and personal growth but he believes there is something more self empowering: self directed disconfirmation—the act of intently trying disconfirm any thoughts, ideas, or perceptions that arrives within us but are not necessarily true (Doc Orman & CloudLibrary, 2017). Regardless of truth, our bodies will react. To reduce the bodily reactions, one should analyze one’s internal thoughts, ideas, or perceptions.

How does one end up with irrational thoughts, ideas, or perceptions? They may have been there since childhood; when one was unable to have the words (or understand the words that were spoken to us) to describe a situation or a circumstance. It also could be the result of accepting the thoughts, ideas, or perceptions of others. Whatever the reasons are on accumulating such false ideas, these assumptions of the world may have never been rigorously tested (Doc Orman & CloudLibrary, 2017). If one does not test thoughts, ideas, or perceptions, one may end up carrying around additional stress that can be easily removed. To test for false/irrational thoughts, ideas, or perceptions, revisit step two of Dr. Orman’s alternative method of mastering stress.

Upon realizing such things, one is able to have access to options that were never available before (Doc Orman & CloudLibrary, 2017). The example Dr. Orman gave was the ability to view events and interpretation of events are two separate things (Doc Orman & CloudLibrary, 2017). Another option one will have is to either keep viewing life through one’s false perspective or open one’s mind to other ways of looking into the situation.

Choose How You Want To View Events

When one has become conscience of external events and internal perceptions (such as good or bad) are two different things, one is able to play the invincible game that is associated with stress (Doc Orman & CloudLibrary, 2017). For a list of other internal perceptions, click here. Using the good or bad internal perception, when one realizes this one is at play, one can feel good knowing one doesn’t have to be stuck with this either-or trigger of viewing things (Doc Orman & CloudLibrary, 2017). One has the ability to shift their thoughts to another possibility—as Dr. Orman says, “beyond such narrow perspectives” (Doc Orman & CloudLibrary, 2017). One has the decision to continue to view life this way or not.

The example that Dr. Orman had brought up in a previous chapter in relation to good or bad perception was waking up and finding your car was stolen. When it comes to this type of event, here’s some questions to explore (Doc Orman & CloudLibrary, 2017):

  • What if losing your car isn’t quite a bad things as you may have originally thought?
  • Are there any good things in my result of this?
  • Is there any way you can turn this loss into something positive?
  • What else could you do to creatively keep this event from ruining your day?

Upon sharing those questions above, Dr. Orman stated he isn’t saying to lose your car is a good thing or never view losing your car as something bad (Doc Orman & CloudLibrary, 2017). He was simply pointing out as human beings, we commonly fail to notice how our emotional and behavioral response to certain events in our life, such as losing a car, are cause by internal thought patterns and internal behavioral patterns that are often completely invincible to us (Doc Orman & CloudLibrary, 2017). The more our automatic thoughts, ideas, or perceptions deviate from true reality, the more problems we will encounter in life and, therefore, the more stress we will have.

Since I see I am repeating myself, I share end here. How was all this for you? What are your thoughts? Do you believe you are ready to play the invincible game of stress? Please feel free to share your comments with me by either leaving a comment down below or email me at my email address that is found in the About section of my blog.


MD, Doc Orman, & CloudLibrary. (2017). Battling the Big Three: Overcoming Stress, Anxiety and Low Self-Esteem. Place of publication not identified: Blackstone Audio.

How to Make Stress Quickly Disappear

Dear Reader,

I found some more down time to write another blog entry. I am “tickled pink” as the old saying goes. 🙂 I hope all is well with you. For those that are new to this blog, I have been writing out notes from listening to Battling the Big Three: Overcoming Stress, Anxiety and Low Self-Esteem audiobook. I had already listened to most of the chapters but went back to listening to some chapters that caught my attention but I failed to write notes down while listening to it the first time around. So, I am now on Chapter 65 of this audiobook and my notes are as follows.

Before I start to write my notes, I want to share that I have already covered the first two of three steps to Dr. Orman’s ultimate method for dealing with stress. The first two are as follows:

  1. Identify each problem specifically (to read this blog entry, click here)
  2. Identify the main causes of each problem (to read this blog entry, click here)

Today, I am writing about the third and last step to this alternative method of dealing with stress: deal with the causes effectively until the problem lessens or completely goes away.

People often think there are only three things one can do with stressful or “negative” emotions (side note: I quoted the word “negative” because I’m one of those that believe there are no such things as a positive or a negative emotion; emotions are neutral and it is what one does when they are experiencing an emotion that is seen as positive or negative).

  • Express them (ex: yelling, screaming, or punching)
  • Suppress them, running the risk of making self sick
  • Manage them (ex: deep breaths, journaling, exercising, mediating, etc.

The fourth one Dr. Orman suggests is to make the emotions of anger, irritation, frustration, etc. disappear by correctly applying the third step of his three-step ultimate method to dealing with stress. Dr. Orman stated this is not limited to emotional stress alone (Doc Orman & CloudLibrary, 2017).

You’ve Already Done This

Dr. Orman states that his third step in his ultimate method to dealing with stress is something we have already done (Doc Orman & CloudLibrary, 2017). The example he gave in the audiobook was saying that one was setting up a time to meet with a friend and stated how important the meeting is. When the time of the meeting place arrives, one happily arrives at the meeting place. When five minutes pass by, this individual just shrugs it off. When ten more minutes past by, the feeling moves towards irritation. Another ten more minutes and the person has moved into “full blown anger” (Doc Orman & CloudLibrary, 2017). Why so angry? According to Dr. Orman (Doc Orman & CloudLibrary, 2017) it’s because the person probably started to judge their friend as irresponsible, lazy, forgetful, untrustworthy, etc. In other words, the person assumes the friend didn’t take the idea of being on time as the way they should have (Doc Orman & CloudLibrary, 2017). When the friend finally arrives, the friend looks stressed out and a mess—explaining they ran into a traffic jam that they couldn’t escape from and are extremely apologetic. The main thing to get out of this example is to notice what happened to the anger of the individual when they were able to hear the truth: it disappeared! It wasn’t just because the individual found out the truth. According to Dr. Orman, another process was occurring deep within but didn’t notice the change because it was invincible (Doc Orman & CloudLibrary, 2017).

Internal Realities

One of the reasons that the game of stress gets played is because of the internal thought patterns and behavioral patterns that contribute to our stress create an internal reality within us (Doc Orman & CloudLibrary, 2017). Sometimes, these realities are useful and sometimes they are not but the main problem is that our bodies cannot tell the difference (Doc Orman & CloudLibrary, 2017). Hence one may think of a problem and become so stressed about it but one may mentally understand it isn’t a problem but the body is still responding. One good example is when one watches a drama, action, etc. movie or sitcom. Notice how your body responds to an action scene or a love scene. One may realize it isn’t happening to them but the body still responds. So, whenever the body assumes we are in a stressful situation, the body will respond. Once again, just for the sake of memorizing, whenever the body assumes we are in a stressful situation, the body will respond. Isn’t this a bummer at times? So back to the example of meeting up with a friend. As the time progressed from a few minutes late to several minutes late, the body started to respond. When the individual wasn’t aware of the reason for the friend being late, the body responded. Upon finding out the problem for the friend’s lateness, the body stopped responding to the internal reality. The internal reality was false and, as Dr. Orman puts it, was “shattered” (Doc Orman & CloudLibrary, 2017). In other words, the internal reality was not valid.

What Can We Learn From This Example?

According to Dr. Orman, this is what we can learn from this example (Doc Orman & CloudLibrary, 2017):

  1. Feelings of stress (and anger) can quickly disappear when we recognize that one of more of our internal realities are not really true.
  2. Appreciate this is not an isolated and one occurrence for human beings.
  3. Don’t have to depend on good fortune or luck to discover one of your triggered internal reality is not valid. One can recognize one’s thought pattern is not valid on a continual basis.

Dr. Orman reminded the listener that one has to also deal with another opponent: failing to admit one may be wrong (Doc Orman & CloudLibrary, 2017). I plan to talk about this in more depth during my next blog entry: the awesome power of disconfirmation. Until then, please feel free to share with me your thoughts. You can either leave a comment in the comment section below or email me at the email address that is found in the About section of my blog. I hope you are enjoying the journey and will continue to look for additional insight that will benefit your life for the better. 🙂


MD, Doc Orman, & CloudLibrary. (2017). Battling the Big Three: Overcoming Stress, Anxiety and Low Self-Esteem. Place of publication not identified: Blackstone Audio.

The True Cause of Stress

Dear Reader,

I finally found a block of time to write here before it is about seven days later from my last blog entry. Yes! Progress is a good feeling. 🙂 I hope all of you that are reading this have been learning practical skills on how to deal with stress, anger, irritation, tense, depression, and any other similar emotion. Please feel free to write back so I know that you are there reading and learning. It encourages me to continue to write here and share what I have learned. You can either write in the comment section below or, if you rather it be only me seeing your response, email me at the email address in the About section of my blog.

Today, my notes come from Chapter 64 of the Battling the Big Three: Overcoming Stress, Anxiety and Low Self-Esteem audiobook. To read the previous blog entry that spoke on the secret to winning against stress, click here. Prior to digging into the topic of the true cause of stress, it may benefit you if I pause of a moment and do a brief review. Dr. Orman found out this alternative way of dealing with stress by analyzing the skills he learned about backgammon. As he had shared in the previous chapters within the audiobook, anyone could have gain this insight from examining other life situations and/or games. The following is Dr. Orman’s three-step problem method:

  1. Identify each problem specifically
  2. Identify the main causes of each problem
  3. Deal with the causes effectively until the problem lessens or completely goes away.

I have already written a blog entry for number one: identify each problem specifically (to read it, click here). Now I am taking the time today to write about the next step: identify the main causes of each problem.

The Invincible Game of Stress

Just like backgammon, Dr. Orman states that there is an invincible game of stress in which are hidden from the untrained eye (Doc Orman & CloudLibrary, 2017). This reminded me of when I started to learn some drills for tennis. Prior to this, I just saw two people just hitting a ball back and forth. It wasn’t until I held a racket and attempted to take the stance that I realized there was more than just hitting the ball. I had to build up endurance to just remain in the stance without my muscles aching! Such things are invincible if one is not actually attempting to play the game. So, when it comes to stress, it may look like the stress of others is minimal unless one is actually in their situation. Or maybe you may understand the rules, principles, and strategies to deal with the stress that someone else is dealing with at the time but you are unaware of the rules, principles, and strategies to deal with your particular stressful situation. It happens! Why? It’s because “stress can arise from so many different forms and so many different situations” (Doc Orman & CloudLibrary, 2017). And, the way I see it, this is why compassion with self and others are important. Since it will take work, commitment, and trial and error to master how to deal with stress (Doc Orman & CloudLibrary, 2017), the only thing left is having compassion. Either that or stress about one not being able to handle stress. :/

Seeing Hidden Objects

Finding the internal causes of stress is like having the list of hidden objects in a picture (Doc Orman & CloudLibrary, 2017). So would it make sense to have a list of internal causes whenever one is feeling stress? Yes, it would. However, not everyone has the same internal causes so it is not that easy (Doc Orman & CloudLibrary, 2017). And the idea of reviewing a list of 62 internal causes is just stressful to me in itself! When one sits back (as in being a passenger in the car instead of driving it for a bit) and reflects on some of the reasons one often finds a situation stressful, then one can review some of the rules, principles, and strategies that are behind the situation.

Still looking for the list? Okay. I’ll give you one! 🙂 According to Dr. Orman, there are six common internal causes of stress (Doc Orman & CloudLibrary, 2017):

  1. Expectations
  2. Good and bad thinking
  3. Right and wrong thinking
  4. Cause and effect thinking
  5. Failing to ask for help
  6. Failing to admit you may be wrong

So, whenever you are feeling stress, view this list of six internal causes and see if any of them are triggering a stressful event. For example, expectations may be that life is supposed to be fair or friends are supposed to be trustworthy (Doc Orman & CloudLibrary, 2017). When one engages in good and bad thinking, we only see two views of events (Doc Orman & CloudLibrary, 2017). However, events are just events and it is humans that have labeled events either good or bad. Dr. Orman uses the example of a car being stolen. Many would see this as a bad event or even go to the extreme of saying “May day is ruined” (Doc Orman & CloudLibrary, 2017). Although having a car stolen is an annoying situation which causes the owner to do something extra throughout the day, it doesn’t mean the owner’s day is ruined.

Dr. Orman related the right and wrong thinking to the history of war (Doc Orman & CloudLibrary, 2017). One group stood up for something because they thought they were right and the other group was wrong. This is often occuring through social media and has been nicely brought out in The Social Media Dilemma documentary on Netflix. I’ll just leave it at that. Cause and effect thinking is similar to right and wrong thinking because it also doesn’t leave much room to reason for another point of view. We have been trained to look at things in a linear and simplistic ways. This reminded me of a book I had read on how Americans are often trained to view things linear by the way their reading is formatted: in a linear line instead of up and down like Chinese writing. Hence why many Americans benefit from the techniques that come from eastern cultures.

Relational and Emotional

While working with clients, I have noticed stress often consist of relations and/or emotions. Just knowing this allows one to go back to step one of Dr. Orman’s three steps to seek out what the problem is. Braking down each problem is the beginning. Then the next step is what I am writing about in this blog entry. To recall the first step of Dr. Orman’s three-step method, click here.

How was this blog entry for you? Please feel free to share with me your thoughts. The two options for sharing was written at the beginning of this blog entry so I won’t write it here. My next blog entry will be step three of Dr. Orman’s alternative way of dealing with stress: deal with the causes effectively until the problem lessens or completely goes away. I hope to write it soon!


MD, Doc Orman, & CloudLibrary. (2017). Battling the Big Three: Overcoming Stress, Anxiety and Low Self-Esteem. Place of publication not identified: Blackstone Audio.

The Secret To Winning Against Stress

Dear Reader,

I hope all is well. I have returned to my blog to add more to the series I have been writing about when it comes to the alternative way of dealing with stress. Last week, I wrote about the first of three steps in mastering stress: identify each problem specifically (click here to read this blog entry). Today, I will share with you what caused Dr. Orman to receive a revelation of dealing with stress. It is associated with his findings of backgammon. His explaining of this finding is in Chapter 63 of the Battling the Big Three: Overcoming Stress, Anxiety and Low Self-Esteem audiobook.

The same principle for winning at stress is the same principle for winning at backgammon. Winning against stress can ensure happiness to increase, relationships to blossom, immune systems to be stronger, and prosperity in anything you set your mind to (Doc Orman & CloudLibrary, 2017). Prior to understanding backgammon, Dr. Orman considered himself a double loser; a loser of backgammon and a loser to mastering stress. Prior to learning the skills in backgammon, be thought it was a game of chance. As he got more familiar with it, Dr. Orman realize it is a game of skill. There are other things besides backgammon that may appear at first that it is a “game of chance: so one doesn’t have to learn backgammon to understand the skills required to master stress. One skill is to plan ahead. Dr. Orman didn’t learn about this until another individual started to have pity on him—seeing he was consistently losing. The individual said to Dr. Orman he should read about backgammon.

The Invincible Game of Backgammon

There was beginning, middle, and end game strategy: if one is ahead of their component, stay ahead and, if one is behind their component, stay behind. The strategies for when ahead are different compared to the strategy for when one is behind. Another knowledge is the mathematically probability of moves (knowing how to calculate and strategically place your pieces on the board). Since one doesn’t want to count on luck when on the red zone, knowing such strategies is important.

The Invincible Game of Stress

The invincible game of stress is similar to this invincible game of backgammon. If one knows how to play the invincible game of stress, then one can be a master when it comes to stress.


MD, Doc Orman, & CloudLibrary. (2017). Battling the Big Three: Overcoming Stress, Anxiety and Low Self-Esteem. Place of publication not identified: Blackstone Audio.

Identify Each Problem Specifically

Dear Reader,

I hope all is well. I have found time to listen to Chapter 62 (this time, jotting down notes) of the Battling the Big Three: Overcoming Stress, Anxiety and Low Self-Esteem audiobook. My previous blog entry introduced the three steps of the alternative method of managing stress (to read this blog entry, click here). The reason to find an alternative method of managing stress can be read here. The following speaks of the first of the three steps: identify each problem specifically.

The First Step

Dr. Orman states that this first step, correctly identifying the problem, is not always easy and then he used a quote that explained why it is important to identify the problem (2017). The quote basically stated that those who seek for methods without having a definite problem in mind seeks for methods in vain (Doc Orman & CloudLibrary, 2017). In other words, looking for solutions without defining the problem(s) is like throwing darts without knowing where the bullseye is located—the possibility of hitting the bullseye is lessened when one is not able to focus on the bullseye. The bullseye is the problem and the methods are the darts.

Why Is This Difficult?

The reason one finds it difficult to correctly identify the problem is because we don’t have that much experiences in separating our problems precisely because no one demands precision on us and we simply don’t focus on problems (Doc Orman & CloudLibrary, 2017). But, once one enter into what Dr. Orman calls “let’s deal with the causes game,” everything changes for you will become a winner of defining causes correctly (Doc Orman & CloudLibrary, 2017).

How To Become a Winner

Dr. Orman explained that one way to become a winner of defining causes correctly is to identify specific cause of emotions—internal or external (for a list of emotions, click here). Internal emotions are those that are often quietly felt inside (ex: shame, contempt, pride) whereas external emotions are those that are often expressed (ex: anger, disgust, fear). Another way to become a winner of defining causes is self awareness in relation to emotions. According to Dr. Orman (2017), some of us may be aware of our emotions like anger, for example and others may have blocked out anger that they are unaware they are experiencing anger. Not all anger is expressed the same. It may be one is grinding or gritting their teeth, internal rumination, or tense muscles for example. However you may be expressing anger is not the focus. The focus is to note that one is actually anger (i.e. irritated). To read more on Dr. Orman’s five steps to master anger/irritability, please click here.

I was pleased to hear that Dr. Orman had made the following point for the three way of becoming a winner of defining causes correctly: note that emotions doesn’t often appear in a nice, discreate, neatly separated experience (Doc Orman & CloudLibrary, 2017). In other words, human emotions are usually messy—multiple emotions may descend upon us simultaneously. In addition to this, one emotion may quickly trigger another emotion to appear—an emotional chain reaction (Doc Orman & CloudLibrary, 2017). According to Dr. Orman (2017), we may notice we are upset, for example, but often another emotion preceded this emotion. Or, what often occurs, an emotional outburst of anger is expressed (Doc Orman & CloudLibrary, 2017). Prior to this, the individual may have felt worry, guilt, fear, etc. So, to use the alterative method to manage stress, Dr. Orman says to seek meaning—find out what is the problem—for each emotion (2017).

How was this reading for you? Please feel free to share your thoughts in the comment section below or send me a personal email to the email address that is found in the About section above. The next step in the alternative method of managing stress is to pick one of the problems you have on your lists so you can correctly tease out the causes (Doc Orman & CloudLibrary, 2017). This requires specialize knowledge and skills most people lack but can become equipped once overcoming a huge obstacle (Doc Orman & CloudLibrary, 2017). Dr. Orman stated the huge obstacle is connected to noting how to become an excellent backgammon player. I plan to write the next step sometime next week.


MD, Doc Orman, & CloudLibrary. (2017). Battling the Big Three: Overcoming Stress, Anxiety and Low Self-Esteem. Place of publication not identified: Blackstone Audio.

What is the Alternative for Managing Stress?

Dear Reader,

How are you? I hope all is well. I have been wanting to return to my blog but, one, I had to find time to listen to Chapter 61 of Battling the Big Three: Overcoming Stress, Anxiety and Low Self-Esteem once again and then find time to write. I still have another blog that is in the draft section but I need to listen to about three chapters once again to edit and finalize that draft. I hope to get to it and finally post it by next month.

About two weeks ago, I had written “The Ultimate Method for Dealing with Stress” blog entry (you can read it by clicking here). This is the follow up blog for that blog entry. After sharing a nice introduction of his ultimate method for dealing with stress, Dr. Orman follows up this introduction by sharing a brief explanation of the alternative for managing stress. “Alternative” is used to state, instead of using stress management or a “band aid” (i.e. alcohol, prescription drugs, recreational drugs, cigarettes, sex, food, shopping, etc.), there is an alternative for managing stress (Doc Orman & CloudLibrary, 2017). The alternative makes stress naturally go away or reduces it significantly by correctly identifying and addressing underlying causes.

According to Dr. Orman, one can learn how to win against stress, make stress naturally disappear without using cigarettes, alcohol, illegal drugs, overeating, relaxation strategies, or any time consuming stress management techniques (Doc Orman & CloudLibrary, 2017). He has used this method himself and has taught this to others for over 30 years.

The Ultimate Method Explained

Dr. Orman says this alternative method is something we use and people have been using for 1,000 of years. The three-step problem method is as follows:

  1. Identify each problem specifically
  2. Identify the main causes of each problem
  3. Deal with the causes effectively until the problem lessens or completely goes away

Some underlining causes may not be in your control, says Dr. Orman, and others may not be easy to identify (Doc Orman & CloudLibrary, 2017). When you are able to identify the main causes accurately, and they are under your control, you can take the steps to correct them (Doc Orman & CloudLibrary, 2017). And, if you do this, according to Dr. Orman, your problems will diminish or go away completely.

How To Understand Each Three Steps And Apply Them

So, the first one is to identify each problem specifically. Dr. Orman says to train self to get more specific. Instead of assuming the main cause is stress, Dr. Orman recommends to eliminate this word from your vocabulary (Doc Orman & CloudLibrary, 2017). Why? This will force one to get more specific on the problem(s) that are controlling them.

The following are examples Dr. Orman asked the listener to reflect on (Doc Orman & CloudLibrary, 2017):

  • Are you noticing how you may be getting angry all the time?
  • Getting frustrated?
  • Having difficulty in sleeping?
  • Having physical or health problems?
  • Having family problems?
  • Having academic problems?
  • Having substance abuse problems?
  • Having money problems?
  • Having self esteem problems?
  • Having self confidence problems?
  • Having other problems?

Once again, why get specific? What Dr. Orman shared made sense. He stated that specific problems always have very specific causes and, once one gets good at noticing specific causes (some are hidden causes), one will be able to get many stress in life to disappear without needing to use drugs, relaxation exercises, or other time consuming techniques (Doc Orman & CloudLibrary, 2017).

The second step, identify the main causes of each problem, was explained within the audiobook by using the example of anger: does one desire to learn anger management or anger mastery? Do you want to manage or get to the real cause? If you want to master this, ask yourself the following (Doc Orman & CloudLibrary, 2017):

  • What are the causes of your anger?
  • Why are you getting angry at the things that many others are not getting angry over?
  • Why are you getting angry so much during the week while friends/family aren’t?

Before one is able to answer those questions, one has to be aware of all the causes; both external and hidden causes (Doc Orman & CloudLibrary, 2017). If you don’t have all of your causes on the table, according to Dr. Orman, you will not be able to master your anger (Doc Orman & CloudLibrary, 2017). Once you are able to discover human causes of anger (note: this is an example of step three of the alternative to managing stress), you will have many options on how to deal with anger and make it quickly disappear.

How was this blog entry for you? Please feel free to leave a comment below or you can email me personally by using the email address that is found in the About section of my blog. If you know of anyone that may benefit from reading this, please feel free to share!


MD, Doc Orman, & CloudLibrary. (2017). Battling the Big Three: Overcoming Stress, Anxiety and Low Self-Esteem. Place of publication not identified: Blackstone Audio.