Book Review – Enchantment: Awakening Wonder In An Anxious Age

Dear Reader,

Hello, there! I hope you are doing well. I am currently reading three books from the library right now (not counting graphic novels). Not on purpose! I was in line for one book that is 966 pages and, somehow, I bounced from about ninth to first in line within a week or so. I groaned because it didn’t seem possible to read this book (in which I cannot renew) and also two other books that are 200-something pages. But, because Enchantment: Awakening Wonder In An Anxious Age by Katherine May is an easy-read for me (like reading essays) and the other 200-something-pages book is a spiritual one, it is getting done. So, before I have to return all three of those books, I am striving to write about each one of them by this upcoming Tuesday.

I learned about Katherine May and her book entitled Enchantment from episode 220 of “We Can Do Hard Things” podcast with hostess Glennon Doyle (along with Abby Wambach and Amanda Doyle). She was the guest speaker.

Listen to the podcast by clicking here.

Read the transcript by clicking here.

One thing that I had read that I thought was deep in the book was how May realized why she was experiencing burnout. She had willingly surrendered her meditation time “because I thought it would be a vanity to demand it” (May, 2023, p. 50). So I thought to myself “how many of us do something similar and wonder why we are experiencing burnout?” May didn’t just give up meditation but also reading, time alone, hot baths, walking, silence, and standing in the garden at sunrise (2023, May). She replaced those things with work and “care” (May, 2023, p. 50). As a result, May found out that, without them, there was nothing left of herself (2023).

What Katherine May found out about present-day burnout is something that I can relate to—it showed her that she is ready to be made again (2023).

How have I allowed this great pleasure in my life—the act of sitting quietly with a book and drinking in its words—to become so heavy, so freighted with obligation? Somewhere along the line, I lost the sense of playfulness that drew me towards it in the first place. No wonder my reading went on strike.

Enchantment: Awakening Wonder In An Anxious Age (2023, p. 129)

According to May, one form of enchantment is play (2023). She mentioned she has been fascinated by how adults play.

Conventional wisdom says that most of us lose the thread of it, our minds greying alongside our hair. But that’s because we only recognise a certain kind of play, and so only associate playfulness with the adults who carry on doing the things that we expect children to do, like springing practical jokes and collecting stuffed toys. All that shows is our limited vocabulary for pleasure. It is either childlike—primary-coloured, messy, loud—or adult, dark and smoky, transgressive. These are only some of the ways it’s possible to play. Deep play—those big, immersive, unprofitable processes in which we invest our whole identity—is fundamental to me, and yet mine looks dry to the outside world, colourless.

Enchantment: Awakening Wonder In An Anxious Age (2023, p. 137)

The last thing I wanted to share is how May stated that childhood talent doesn’t necessarily translate to an adult one (2023). She had learned what happens when one turns away from play: bitterness, frustration, not feeling/being nurtured, and feeling strangled (May, 2023). If one has noticed such “symptoms,” please keep reading.

May, who is on the autistic spectrum, explained how, when she was a child, her type of play was with words and, like many autistic children, she grew up thinking that wasn’t the right kind of play (2023). She was urged to go outside, play with dolls, and run around but all she wanted to do was write (2023). (Side Note: to read more on what I had already written on how Katherine May describes how it is to be a woman on the autistic spectrum, click here). What I got from this is to find your type of play and do this often to avoid burnout. Get back into the wonder of the world in various elements: earth, water, fire, and air. These were the things that gave us a sense of wonder as a child. Unfortunately, as adults, we lose the sense of wonder due to adult-duties. The hope is that we can gain some of this wonder back.

To get a copy of Enchantment: Awakening Wonder In An Anxious Age by Katherine May, click here. To learn more about Katherine May, click here. To read her insight on autism, click here. For independent women that are searching for a resource on how to be safe while being on the autistic spectrum, I recommend The Independent Woman’s Handbook for Super Safe Living on the Autistic Spectrum by Robyn Steward (click here to read my book review).

Reference

May, K. (2023). Enchantment : awakening wonder in an anxious age. Riverhead Books.

It’s Okay To Say “No”

Dear Reader,

I hope you are doing well. I have a lot to say on the topic of saying “no” but I will attempt to keep it short. What had prompted me to write a blog entry about the subject was what I had learned about Simone Biles. While on “Mommy duty,” I sat on my couch and started to watch team USA women’s gymnastics on Tuesday, July 27th. I watched a young Black female, who now I know is Simone Biles, leave the gymnastic floor along with another Black female. My gut knew that something was wrong. My heart went out to her and wanted to know what happened. Days later, I found out that she had walked away because she wanted to do what was best for her mental health.

Although she had walked away, she returned to cheer her teammates. Watching it on TV warmed my heart. So, even though I knew something happened that she had stopped, she remained by her teammates to encourage them. Prior to this, I watched them all embrace her. It was very touching.

While reading more about Simone Biles at The Conversation webpage (to read the article, click here), I discovered her tweet concerning her responses to those who viewed or heard of the situation I had seen on TV:

the outpouring love & support I’ve received has made me realize I’m more than my accomplishments and gymnastics which I never truly believed before. [grey heart emoji]

Source: Twitter

Like the article stated at The Conversation webpage had stated, Black women often feel pushed to achieve (or accomplish) something rather high. Many would look at one oddly when someone turns down a high position; especially if you are a Black female. The discrimination is real. As a Black woman myself, I have been there are understand the pressure for excellence. Even when it is something that can be achieved (as in ability), the strain of getting there or continuing to get there can be too much. It does a lot of wear and tare in a person mentally. The feel that so many eyes are on you to achieve greatness causes the pressure to be intense. For you represent something greater than yourself. So many have sweated and bled so you can get a chance to be the best you could be. Think about Martin Luther King, Jr. or Rosa Parks or whomever else comes to mind. Don’t want to disappoint them, right? And what if you are disappointing them? Then the feelings of “how dare you” are felt. And then the looks and frowns of others. Have to endure it all.

The pressure is real!

Sometimes pressure can be too much that one knows it will effect them in a negative way. This is when wisdom is needed. Listening to one’s gut instinct as well as knowing one’s limitations is important. Learning about boundaries, codependency, and how to complete the stress response cycle helped me a lot. I thought of sharing a personal example on where I had said no but thought it wasn’t quite necessary. The main thing is to understand when it is okay to say “no.” If one is not feeling well but the doctor cannot find something physically wrong, it may be related to mental health. That is one alert that one should say “no” to whatever is causing an uneasy feeling or a strain. To get more in-depth, please consider looking into the following sources:

Beattie, M. (2016). Codependent no more: How to stop controlling others and start caring for yourself.

Cloud, H., Townsend, J. S., & Fredricks, D. (2001). Boundaries. Place of publication not identified: Zondervan.

Nagoski, E., & Nagoski, A. (2020). Burnout: The secret to unlocking the stress cycle.

I could write more but I think this is the best place to stop. Feel free to share your comments by writing in the comment section below or email me directly by using the email address in the About section. To read a similar article about other athletes who have said “no” (as in “yes” to mental health), click here. To read another article in relation to Black women and mental health, click here.

Change The Expectancy By Redefine Winning

Dear Reader,

Planful problem-solving and positive reappraisal are evidence-based ways to change the effort you invest as you move towards a goal (Nagoski & Nagoski, 2019). According to Nagoski & Nagoski (2019), it reduces your frustration by keeping you motivated and moving forward. But what happens when something moves more slower or it takes more effort than expected? This is when the Nagoski twins say to change the monitor’s expectancy by redefine winning (to read my blog entry on what the Nagoski twins refer to as the monitor, click here). I had liked the example they gave about when one thinks that traveling somewhere like to the mall will only take a certain amount of time (the authors use the time of 20 minutes). However, one may forget that traffic may occur. So, if one had planned to drive towards the mall during a one-hour lunch break but finds one stuck in traffic (and it’s no where near the holiday season), frustration may build.

So how does one redefine winning in such occasions? First, reassess by asking the following questions (Nagoski & Nagoski, 2019):

• What is it about this goal that frustrates your monitor?
• Is it unattainable?
• Do you feel ambivalent about it?
• Was it someone else’s dumb idea?
• Is there part of it that makes you feel helpless?
• Are there too many frustrating yet unavoidable obstacles between you and “winning”?

One thing you should always do is be kind to yourself. Ask yourself “is this a difficult goal” and allow your monitor to acknowledge this (Nagoski & Nagoski, 2019). When I was attending graduate school and married and had children, I had acknowledged that this goal was difficult. When I had finished the program and was starting my post-master supervision hours still married and still have children, I also acknowledged this was a difficult goal (and attempting to do this in a state that is not easy to obtain any license is also difficult). I have to focus on incremental goals instead of the “big picture”: is my goal concrete (measureable), specific (not general), personal (why does it matter to you), etc. (Nagoski & Nagoski, 2019).

Before getting to this step, brainstorm (at least twenty options) for definitions of “winning” that will make your satisfy your monitor. Here’s my continual “song” almost every morning. I pull out a bunch of things I would like to read while my home is quiet. Although I know my goal is unattainable to finish all of the pages per day I would like to read to finish a chapter in one week during the pandemic (all my family members at home instead of at school/work), for example, I would like to read a lot of it during the quiet hours of the morning so I will not be frustrated by the end of the day when the planned pages per day are not accomplished. Therefore, I redefine winning. My monitor is satisfied that I had learned something new that day. I also remind myself that I am no longer in a class that is required to finish a chapter by the next scheduled day for the class. So I tell myself it’s okay and it see the practical situation I am in:

• I live in a small area with four other bodies
• I should give some time to interact with my family members
• If I am really interested in a section of the book, I can read some pages while going for a walk outside

That is using the wise mind to reassess the situation (to read my blog on the wise mind, click here). Also, see what you are gaining instead of just seeing that you are failing (Nagoski & Nagoski, 2019). In other words, what have you learned or how can someone benefit from your failing to achieve the goal. For more information on redefine winning, please read chapter two (called Persist) in Burnout: The Secrete to Unlocking the Stress Cycle.

Reference

Nagoski, E., & Nagoski, A. (2019). Burnout: The secret to unlocking the stress cycle.

The True Enemy

Dear Reader,

Sometimes it’s hard to identify the true enemy. When it comes to relationships, government, politics, or even authority figures, our perception of reality may become distorted due to not being able to sift out what is the truth. One story I read about three weeks ago was how a couple had drove up to their country home and found their chickens loss and behaving hysterically. After assessing the situation, the couple realized the neighbor’s dog had escaped and was found many yards away with one of their prized chickens in its mouth. The wife ended up holding that prized chicken in her arms until it gently passed away. The couple’s pet duck didn’t see the neighbor’s dog. It only saw the wife holding the chicken. Therefore, the duck assumed it was the wife who had killed the chicken. For the next several days, whenever the duck saw the wife, the duck would snap at the wife. The couple also noticed other odd behaviors in the duck that was never before seen prior to the incident.

Sometimes it’s hard to identify the true enemy.

In Burnout: The Secret To Unlocking The Stress Cycle by Nagoski & Nagoski (2019), they shared two enemies that women often deal with when it comes to burnout:

1. Patriarchy
2. The bikini industry

Patriarchy often attempts to put women in their place by saying that they are only to be Human Givers instead of human beings (to read more about Human Giver Syndrome, click here). And, if they dare to break lose of this “norm,” they are told to “get back in line” as the Nagoski twins say (2019). As I had mentioned in another blog entry, such ideas started in the 1950s and 1960s in America: showing women to stay at home and do housework only. Keep serving. Keep giving. And, while doing this, also look “pretty” and don’t ever show that you are not happy in this role. The problem is that women know somewhere deep inside that this is not it. They each have a specific calling. They hear it inside of them. A call to something larger. And, if they don’t answer it, they feel as if they will burst.

So, dear reader, of you are one of these women, or you know of a woman, that feels a bit antsy and has the need to do more, may I ask of you to answer that calling or help that woman to answer that calling.

And, remember, that the enemy is bigger than the overly stacked laundry.

As for the bikini industry, they teach that being thin is beautiful and having a flat belly is normal. According to Nagoski & Nagoski (2019), we delight in the round bellies of our baby girls but grown at our odd-shaped bellies. This send mix messages to our daughters (Nagoski & Nagoski, 2019). They grow up believing that they have to look a certain way to be accepted. The enemy is not the other girls who tell each other to “get back in line” whenever we delight in gaining pounds or not wanting to wear makeup. The real enemy is the bikini industry.

The Nagoski twins say that the three things they had spoken in chapters 1-3 will help fight the true enemy. I have written about them in three separate blogs:

1. Stress, Burnout, and Realistic Goals
2. Managing Stressors
3. Meaning In Life (for more about meaning, please read Finding Meaning blog entry)

To sum up the three steps above (as I have written here), first, one is to deal with stress by helping the body to complete the stress response cycle. The next step is to learn how to manage stressors. After learning how to manage stressors, find meaning in life. As I had written here, whatever your meaning is in life, it will serve as a bedrock for whatever adversity you may face (Nagoski & Nagoski, 2019).

Reference

Nagoski, E., & Nagoski, A. (2019). Burnout: The secret to unlocking the stress cycle.

Finding Meaning

Dear Reader,

Two days ago, I wrote a blog about meaning (to read this blog entry, click here). Within the seeking of meaning, one is to seek to use and develop the best of one in self (Nagoski & Nagoski, 2019). In the case of chronic illness, to seek meaning is to seek how to live well despite chronic illness (Nagoski & Nagoski, 2019). For me, I had to learn how to live well despite my past circumstances (too personal to share here). Another way to seek meaning is to find value that an individual can exhibit; a life has meaning when a person contributes something positive to the world by the time you die whether you enjoyed it or not (Nagoski & Nagoski, 2019). According to Nagoski & Nagoski (2019), meaning is not constant and meaning is also good for you. In short, meaning is when you feel connected to something larger than oneself. Meaning comes only when you make it; meaning is made (Nagoski & Nagoski, 2019).

When a crisis, like a plan crash, occurs in our life, our brains reaches out for a something larger to stop our lives from “falling out of the sky” and it works until we find ourselves back into place (Nagoski & Nagoski, 2019). In such a time as a crisis, we have to “prepare the plane” before we can return to our journey (Nagoski & Nagoski). According to Nagoski & Nagoski (2019), this requires us to turn inward toward difficult feelings with kindness and compassion.

The Nagoski twins give the example of Disney heroines. I have mixed thoughts of using these iconic characters as examples due to all of the princesses had assistance from some outside magical aide; unless we are now categorizing magic with spiritual entities. But one cannot dispute the songs each princesses had when it came to wanting more.

I remember Ariel’s song stirring up something inside of me. It caused me to realize that material things weren’t making me happy, either. “I want more,” Ariel said and I sang along with her. She wanted to be “where the people are.” As a preteen, Belle’s song grasp my attention for I, too, “want adventure in the great wide somewhere.” Yes, “I want it more than I can tell.” The plain “blah” of life in the city wasn’t what I wanted. I needed to be where I saw a vast horizon of hills and possibilities.

Here are some ways to find meaning in something larger than oneself (Nagoski & Nagoski, 2019):

• Pursue an achievement of ambitious goals that leave a legacy
• Service to the divine or other spiritual calling
• Loving, emotional intimate connections with others

If none of those are helpful for you to find meaning, According to Nagoski & Nagoski (2019), research has found the following helpful:

• Trying writing your own obituary/life summary through the eyes of a grandchild or a student
• Ask your friends to describe the characteristics of your personality and your life that are at the core of your best self
• Imagine someone you care about is going through a dark moment in their life and, as your best self, write that someone a letter to support them through this difficult time. Then reread it. It’s for you.
• Think of a time when you had experience a sense of meaning, purpose, or alignment (whatever it feels like for you). What were you doing? What was it that create that sense of meaning?

What often stops one from finding meaning? According to Nagoski & Nagoski (2019), it is Human Giver Syndrome (read about it here). Women need to know that it is okay to seek for their “more” because they are humans. It’s okay to be human. Humans desire to seek for their “more.” It’s not just men who are to only seek. When a woman engage in the something larger, healing occurs and it removes the Human Giver Syndrome inside of that woman and those that are around her (Nagoski & Nagoski, 2019). Making women homemakers was something that was happening in America in the 1950s and 1960s. Women’s liberation caused a culture shift that changed the American culture. The result was a more fairer world.

The cure the Human Giver Syndrome (Nagoski & Nagoski, 2019):

• Keep engaging in the something larger
• Use problem solving
• Keep completing the cycle: #persist

According to Nagoski & Nagoski (2019), this is how you can turn something terrible in an opportunity to engage with your “something larger” and make meaning: rewrite the narrative of your experience; focusing on the lessons and strengths you gain through adversity (your origin story).

1. What part of the adversity were incontrollable by you (i.e. other people and their choices, cultural norms, your life circumstances at the time, age, prior experience, and/or the weather)?
2. What did you do to survive the adversity in the moment (hint: you did survive because here you are)?
3. What resource did you leverage to continue to surviving after the adversity passed? Be specific (it may include practical resources like money or information; social resources like friends, your ability to seek, find, and accept help; or your social influence; or emotional resources like persistence, self soothing, and optimism).

Once you have your origin story, the Nagoski twins say to take time to write a moment when those resources help you overcome a subsequent difficulty (2019). Then write a summary:

Even though I couldn’t control [an adversity], I managed to [survival tactic] and then a used [resource] to grow stronger. After that, I could [skill, or win, or insight].

Nagoski & Nagoski (2019)

Writing your origin story can also allow you to identify your something larger because it allows you to see the experience you had leverage to survive (Nagoski & Nagoski, 2019). According to Nagoski & Nagoski (2019), this exercise may hurt because it allows your body to feel the feelings of past wounds, to learn that your feelings are not dangerous, and it allows you to complete the activated stress response cycles (to read about this, click here) that started many years ago. But you have to be willing to “go there.”

References

Clements, R., Musker, J., Auberjonois, R., Barnes, C. D., Benson, J., Carroll, P., Edwards, P., … Silver Screen Partners IV (Firm). (2006). The Little Mermaid. Burbank, Calif: Walt Disney Home Entertainment.

Nagoski, E., & Nagoski, A. (2019). Burnout: The secret to unlocking the stress cycle.

Trousdale, G., Wise, K., Woolverton, L., Benson, R., O’Hara, P., Lansbury, A., White, R., … Walt Disney Pictures,. (2017). Beauty and The Beast.

Human Giver Syndrome

Dear Reader,

Since I had mentioned about Human Giver Syndrome yesterday (to read yesterday’s blog entry, click here), in which I realized I had written this information somewhere else and not at my blog, I have decided to share it here. Prior to sharing what it is, allow me to give you a back drop.

As Nagoski & Nagoski mentioned (2019), we all experience a certain emotion whenever we see someone that we like. The emotions often lift whenever the individual leaves the room or leaves our mind. Since this is often a happy emotion, it is inviting. But what happens when we are stuck in an uninviting emotion? When one is continually around something or someone that keeps the same emotion going, one becomes stuck. Many are stuck because of something called Human Giver Syndrome. According to Nagoski & Nagoski (2019), human givers are expected to give continually to human beings; these are often women (ex: mothers, wives, secretaries, nurses, social workers, counselors, doctors, etc.). What “hurts” is that human givers are not allowed to be a human being (Nagoski & Nagoski, 2019). They are to only be attentive, loving, pretty, happy, etc. (Nagoski & Nagoski, 2019). So, whenever they are not giving (bitter, unloving, etc.), they are shamed, punished, or destroyed (Nagoski & Nagoski, 2019).

I, personally, realized that this “rule” is slowly killing many women. Many women feel the call to be more (hence my blog entry from yesterday). What did the Nagoski twins share as a solution? First, one is to deal with stress by helping the body to complete the stress response cycle (to read about this, click here). The next step is to learn how to manage stressors (to read about this, click here). After learning how to manage stressors, find meaning in life. As I had written here, whatever your meaning is in life, it will serve as a bedrock for whatever adversity you may face (Nagoski & Nagoski, 2019).

Reference

Nagoski, E., & Nagoski, A. (2019). Burnout: The secret to unlocking the stress cycle.

Meaning In Life

Dear Reader,

After the Nagoski twins in Burnout: The Secret of Unlocking the Stress Cycle share about how to manage stressors (read blog entry here), they turn to another topic: meaning. They mentioned how every Disney movie shares what the princess see that she is missing in life. Although their song may change throughout the movie, what still remains constant is that a heroine feels called by something (Nagoski & Nagoski, 2019). According to Nagoski & Nagoski (2019), we heroines thrive when we are answering the call of something larger than ourselves. Meaning is a power inside of you that helps you to recover from burnout (Nagoski & Nagoski, 2019). Of course, men also desire to thrive with meaning. However, let’s face it! Women have more obstacles than men (hence the Human Giver Syndrome that the Nagoski twins mention in the beginning of this audiobook).

According to Nagoski & Nagoski (2019), the call can be heard in the quietness of your heart. You get to it by engaging in something larger and it links you into the world (Nagoski & Nagoski, 2019). Whatever it is, our meaning in life will serve as a bedrock for whatever adversity we may face (Nagoski & Nagoski, 2019).

Reference

Nagoski, E., & Nagoski, A. (2019). Burnout: The secret to unlocking the stress cycle.

Managing Stressors

Dear Reader,

After writing the blog about Stress, Burnout, and Realistic Goals, (to read about this blog, click here), the next step was to mention how to manage stressors. The “monitor” is the word used to refer to the “discrepancy reducing feedback loop” and “criterion velocity” in Burnout: The Secret of Unlocking the Stress Cycle by Emily Nagoski and Amelia Nagoski. It is the brain mechanism that decides to whether keep trying or to give up (Nagoski & Nagoski, 2019).

According to Nagoski & Nagoski (2019), the monitor knows this about you:

1. What your goal is
2. How much effort you are investing into the goal
3. How much progress you are making

The monitor keeps a tally of your effort to progress ratio and it has a strong opinion of what that ratio should be (Nagoski & Nagoski, 2019). My example of this is training for a specific job skill. You’ve been with the company for a few years so you know how the workplace flow is. However, due to the pandemic, your training has to be done at home. So you say to yourself, “I can do this!” Until you attempt to balance this training with home duties and children remaining at home (i.e. having to do distance learning at home). Bye, bye to fellow coworkers that have often cheered you on while at the workplace. Hello to annoying technical problems with training and distance learning challenges. For example, one child needs something to use “right now” for class while you need to remain seated at your computer due to a timed test or a live virtual class. And, of course, there is no reasoning with this child so the child starts to wail loudly while your blood pressure is also increasing. So long to concentration!

According to Nagoski & Nagoski (2019), the monitor, who once saw the goal attainable switches to unattainable. It pushes you from an emotional cliff into a pit of despair and your brain gives up (Nagoski & Nagoski, 2019). So how do you get out of this “pit of despair?” Learn how this monitor works to influence the brain functioning with strategies on dealing with both the controllable and uncontrollable stressor (Nagoski & Nagoski, 2019).

How to manage stressors (Nagoski & Nagoski, 2019):

• For controllable stress: Planful problem solving.
  • Example: If you know that you have to take a timed test or have a live virtual class, prepare the children ahead of time for materials by contacting the teacher(s) a day or so beforehand to see what they will need during the time you are not physically available.
• For uncontrollable stress: Positive reappraisal (be optimistic instead of pessimistic). Please note that optimistic includes acknowledging when it is difficult and see when the difficulties are opportunities. Also know when to ask for help.

Another thing to do is to change the expectancy (on how difficult and how long it will take) and redefine winning. When I had started my master degree journey, I had expected to graduate at a certain time. It was as difficult as I thought it would be but annoyingly longer than I thought it would be. Due to circumstances beyond my control, it took longer so I had to mentally (as well as emotionally) change my expectancy. I redefined winning by focusing more on actually helping others instead of just graduating.

Reference

Nagoski, E., & Nagoski, A. (2019). Burnout: The secret to unlocking the stress cycle.

Stress, Burnout, and Realistic Goals

Dear Reader,

After having three interactions with the topics of stress, burnout, and realistic goals, I saw the universe just telling me to write this. So, dear reader, this is for you! I had found of Marie Forleo’s automatic emails in my inbox today. The subject was entitled “NEVER burn out again.” I smiled and waited for another part of my day to view the email.

Upon leaving my apartment to run a few errands, I started to listen to the second half of Chapter 1 (Complete the Cycle) in Burnout: The Secret of Unlocking the Stress Cycle by Emily Nagoski and Amelia Nagoski. After hearing about the human’s need to complete the stress cycle yesterday, I was ready to hear more! Yesterday, I was reminded that physical activity (i.e. exercising, taking a walk, jumping up and down, crying, etc.) is important when dealing with stress. I was ready to say “Yea, yea…” until the ladies explained why. Our bodies complete the stress cycle not by hearing someone or ourselves say “It’s okay” nor when the danger is gone; it completes the stress cycle by our body actually moving (Nagoski & Nagoski, 2019). So, just because you dealt with the stressor, doesn’t mean that you have dealt with the stress (Nagoski & Nagoski, 2019). According to Nagoski & Nagoski (2019), you have to deal with the stress or stress will kill you.

So, what if you are not someone that loves to exercise? No worries! The Nagoski twins have a solution for that. 🙂 And it’s something that is often mentioned by gurus (as well as psychologists) that teach relaxation techniques: tense your body for so many seconds (the Nagoski twins say to slowly count to ten) and then relax. It’s known as the progressive relaxation technique. Nagoski & Nagoski stated that upon doing this muscle-tension-to-relaxation technique, your body may begin to shake and maybe even convulse as if you are having a seizure due to so much stress build up (2019). The authors also said that your body will know when you are done releasing the tension: the muscles in the face may relax, tears may stop flowing down the face, and you may let out a sigh (Nagoski & Nagoski, 2019).

Other ways to complete the stress cycle is a social connection (Nagoski & Nagoski, 2019):

• Affection
• A six-second kiss (recommended by Gottman)
• A twenty-second hug (no leaning; support your own body weight)
• Six minutes of snugging after sex
• Helpless laughter (when the laughter is uncontrollable; often occurs while watching a comedy)

Creative expression also helps to complete the stress cycle and is often a safe place to get through the stress (Nagoski & Nagoski, 2019):

• Writing
• Drawing
• Singing

Upon returning home, I quickly reviewed another one of my audiobooks called Battling the Big Three: Overcoming Stress, Anxiety and Low Self-Esteem. The next section that was written by Dr. Orman, MD and, once again, it spoke about stress! I didn’t start hearing anything but the introduction and disclaimer so I don’t have nothing much to say until I listen to more.

While sitting at the computer, I opened up Marie Forleo’s automatic email. There was a video within the email. This was the key notes I had heard from watching Marie Forleo’s video, called How to Get More Done in Less Time:

• Computers are made to just go at anytime. We are not computers. We need time to rest.
• If we don’t rest, exercise, hydrate, give ourselves free open-space (to dream, think, and play), we will put ourselves in a position for burnout.
• We have to design a ideal day with intention: when we are getting up (early morning), when we are resting/exercising/giving self open-space, and when we are going to bed (at a decent time).
  • Designing our day will allow one to plan time to work on realistic goals.

I have learned to get up early to spend time in quietness to read my morning devotion, textbook(s), training, and even some emails prior to the household waking up. I brake down the chapters into practical segments so I can actually finish a book in a month or two. Sometimes, I count how many pages are in a book (i.e. 256 pages) and then break down how many pages I can read in a day (i.e. 256 divided by 30 days is about nine pages). Then I ask myself, “Can I actually see myself reading 3 – 5 pages in the wee hours of the morning, 2 – 3 pages in the afternoon (my so-called potty break… does anyone else just run to the bathroom for a little “me time” while at home?), and then 2 – 3 pages before going to bed?” If the answer is “yes,” then I do it. If the answer is “no,” then I move the goal to two months instead of a one-month time.

So, dear reader, when you are stressed out, deal with the stress prior to it piling up. As a result, the body shouldn’t get so tired that you keep putting off realistic goals. Seek ways to obtain your goals by breaking them down into smaller steps. Plan your day and, eventually, your goals will be achieved.

Reference

Nagoski, E., & Nagoski, A. (2019). Burnout: The secret to unlocking the stress cycle.